Death of Our Personal History

Death of a Our Personal History

(C) James J Alonzo

Recently my nephew Doug told me a man named Dwayne died. Dwayne was a part of his life. This man was his mother’s boyfriend for many years, then they (his mother and boyfriend) finally split. To my nephew the man was a cruel man. He said to me,

“Dwayne died," Doug said very softly, "Because I hated him all this time, I should feel happy, but actually I feel a little sad.“

“You feel sad," I said, " because Dwayne, good or bad, was a part of your past. When a part of your past dies, there is a loss, because that person was a part of you, whether you liked him, loved him, or not. You will even mourn in a strange way. Regardless of how you feel or how he treated you, he was a contributor, of what makes you who you are now.”

I should not care," Doug said.

“When a person of your past dies," I said, " whether he be a friend, foe, parent, sibling, or some connection to your past, the world changes in a heartbeat. Oftentimes when such a loss occurs, others fail to recognize that the surviving person faces emotional battles on many fronts while working through the death. Largely ignored, survivors of the past are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners.”

Within this group of survivors is one that is unique—the adult survivor who lives away from home and is mourning the death of person of their past. In the case of an adult survivor, attention and words of comfort are usually aimed at the parents, spouse, and children, and siblings, not the survivors, who may have been out of touch with the deceased.

The Loss of History

Each family has its own special history and the shared bonds that are a part of that history. When a sibling dies, the bonds are shattered, and the history forever has a void that cannot be filled.

As they grow, children develop certain characteristics and talents. Brothers and sisters tend to complement each other by developing a balance of interests in different areas. However, surviving siblings will need to redefine their roles in the absence of this relationship.

The Loss of Future

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place.

What Adult Siblings May Expect

Survivor guilt is normal. Siblings usually have a relationship where they seek to protect each other. Despite the physical distance that may separate them as adults, this need to have provided protection weighs heavily in the aftermath of the loss.

Guilt about how the relationship was maintained is common. So often as adults, the sibling relationship has changed from younger years.. Each travels a separate path, and sometimes communication is lacking and ambivalent feelings about maintaining the relationship surface. No matter how good a relationship may have been, the survivor often believes it should have been better, causing guilt.

Anger over a new role within the family often occurs. A surviving sibling may now be the one expected to care for aging parents, and he or she may have to step into the role of guardian for nieces and nephews. Remaining family members may look to surviving siblings for guidance. All these situations are possible reasons to feel anger over a sibling’s death.

Fear of mortality

When a brother or sister dies, it is natural for the surviving sibling or siblings to look at their own lives and question how many years they have left, and what their deaths would do to their family. Surviving siblings may find positive changes within their lives. These may include greater emotional strength, increased independence, and a soul-searching reexamination of religious beliefs. Some survivors feel the need to make a change in their life’s work, such as becoming a therapist, or working to effect a change in the area that took the life of the sibling.

Even when a sibling has died, a connection still remains. Surviving brothers and sisters think about them; talk about them; remember them at special times such as birthdays, holidays, and death dates; and may create a memorial of some type. This connection with the sibling who died does not have to be given up to move forward in life.

Siblings may be ambivalent about their relationships in life, but in death the power of their bond strangles the surviving heart. Death reminds us that we are part of the same river, the same flow from the same source, rushing towards the same destiny.
Were you close? Yes, but we didn’t know it then.

Understanding from Others

Society often encourages bereaved individuals to feel guilty for grieving too long. This failure to receive validation of their grief can cause siblings to hide their feelings, causing a type of depression with which they may struggle for many years. If the surviving sibling is married, stress may also be introduced into the spousal relationship. Individuals grieve differently, and the spouse may be bewildered and even unsympathetic that this loss is causing so much sorrow in their own family. This situation may provoke comments such as,

“Why are you so upset? You haven’t been close to your family for years.” While this may sound reasonable, the emotions of grief and mourning are seldom reasonable—or even rational. Spouses may need to be told how they can be supportive. One woman simply asked her husband for a hug whenever she felt especially sad about the death of her sister.

Senior Citizens Who Lose a Sibling

When the sibling of a senior citizen dies, often those around this person feel that it is more normal for people to die as they age, and so there is no need to provide comfort or even acknowledge the death. In reality, whether the sibling who died is nine or ninety, the loss still wounds the heart. Oftentimes with senior citizen grief, the death of a sibling is compounded by the fact that the spouse and others important to them in their lives have preceded the sibling in death, leaving a void for feedback, comfort, and remembrance. One’s own mortality is often questioned.

Finding Support

Many siblings find help by talking with others about their brother or sister. However, even good friends can quickly become uncomfortable with the subject, often at just the point when their support is most needed. Often, simply finding another bereaved sibling with whom to share concerns and feelings provides a path toward healing. Adult siblings may be living in areas where no one knew their deceased brother or sister—or even of their existence. This can be painful at a time when the surviving sibling longs to share memories.

When Parents (or parental figure) Dies

When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future. Because of this tremendous loss, it is important that everyone work together to ease the path toward healing.

(C) James J Alonzo

Undercover Operation
(tales Of The Lost Patrol)

(C) James J Alonzo

Jack in working for the police department, was a good cop and smart. One day Jack had  
received a tip that Richard Weaver, the owner of a local Deli or convenience store was selling cigarettes and other tobacco products to minors as young as 12 years old. So he forward a report to the Chief, requesting assignment to catch and prosecute this dealer of cigarettes to children.

Jack's Chief called him in to a meeting about Jack's latest report,

"I read your report Jack, and I want to know how you propose to get evidence on this case?"

"Yes sir", Jack replied, "I have a 16 year old girl in mind. Her name is Sherri, I know her parents and she is the sister of one of our dispatchers. She will go in and make buys of cigarettes and even beer."

"Very well, but before we use her I want her interviewed by the State Attorneys Office and get their approval. We need to know that she can sit on the stand, testify in a court of law and get convictions."

"Yes sir," Jack said, " I will coordinate this for you sir."

The big night came. Jack was now in charge of this undercover operation. Jack coordinated with other officers their positions for surveillance. He put a wire on Sherri and sent her in while watching from a closed business across the street where they were able to see and hear the whole conversation.

The plan was to simply send her in and have her buy a pack and leave. Jack and the other cops would go in and make the arrest after she left.

When she went in, looked around, and observe the owner ringing out other customers at the register. Once the store was clear except for Sherri and the owner, Richard Weaver, Sherri approached,

"May I have a pack of Virginia Slims cigarettes?"

"How old are you", asked Richard.

"18."

"Let me see your I D." Richard ordered.

Jack and the other officers that were watching and listening, figured if Richard were going to ID her, he would see that she was not 18, and toss her out.  Much to their surprise, the clerk looked at her license,

"I thought so, you're too young, I can't sell you any smokes."  

He handed her license back and shocked the whole surveillance team when he said

"You can't buy smokes...but do you smoke weed?"

Sherri was on the ball, she immediately answered,

"Yeah, I sure do!"

So Jack and the officers got it on tape, Richard Weaver selling Sherri, 1/4 bag for $ 40.00.

Sherri walked out smiling from ear to ear. The store owner got busted and got a lot tougher sentence than if he simply sold Sherri the smokes.

Undercover Operation

Undercover Operation
(tales Of The Lost Patrol)

(C) James J Alonzo

Jack in working for the police department, was a good cop and smart. One day Jack had  
received a tip that Richard Weaver, the owner of a local Deli or convenience store was selling cigarettes and other tobacco products to minors as young as 12 years old. So he forward a report to the Chief, requesting assignment to catch and prosecute this dealer of cigarettes to children.

Jack's Chief called him in to a meeting about Jack's latest report,

"I read your report Jack, and I want to know how you propose to get evidence on this case?"

"Yes sir", Jack replied, "I have a 16 year old girl in mind. Her name is Sherri, I know her parents and she is the sister of one of our dispatchers. She will go in and make buys of cigarettes and even beer."

"Very well, but before we use her I want her interviewed by the State Attorneys Office and get their approval. We need to know that she can sit on the stand, testify in a court of law and get convictions."

"Yes sir," Jack said, " I will coordinate this for you sir."

The big night came. Jack was now in charge of this undercover operation. Jack coordinated with other officers their positions for surveillance. He put a wire on Sherri and sent her in while watching from a closed business across the street where they were able to see and hear the whole conversation.

The plan was to simply send her in and have her buy a pack and leave. Jack and the other cops would go in and make the arrest after she left.

When she went in, looked around, and observe the owner ringing out other customers at the register. Once the store was clear except for Sherri and the owner, Richard Weaver, Sherri approached,

"May I have a pack of Virginia Slims cigarettes?"

"How old are you", asked Richard.

"18."

"Let me see your I D." Richard ordered.

Jack and the other officers that were watching and listening, figured if Richard were going to ID her, he would see that she was not 18, and toss her out.  Much to their surprise, the clerk looked at her license,

"I thought so, you're too young, I can't sell you any smokes."  

He handed her license back and shocked the whole surveillance team when he said

"You can't buy smokes...but do you smoke weed?"

Sherri was on the ball, she immediately answered,

"Yeah, I sure do!"

So Jack and the officers got it on tape, Richard Weaver selling Sherri, 1/4 bag for $ 40.00.

Sherri walked out smiling from ear to ear. The store owner got busted and got a lot tougher sentence than if he simply sold Sherri the smokes.