What's Good For The Goose

What's Good For The Goose
(Tales Of The Lost Patrol)
(C) James J Alonzo

Late one evening while on patrol, our dispatch center put out a call of a reckless driver South Bound on Rt 5, information from Hamburg NY police Department, heading towards our patrol area. Jack and I set up in the area. Apparently, One of the Hamburg officers clocked him on radar 90 mph in a 55 mph zone weaving in and out of traffic and passing on both sides. 

But somehow after noting the description, the Hamburg officer lost him? So we were now looking for a blue El camino. So based on a hunch by Jack my partner, we took up position on an alternate route on Old Lake Shore road.

Sure enough Jack was right! As the speeding vehicle passed us, we converged on him with all the bells, and whistles! Jack happily shouts out,

"All right! I was right! We got us the speeder!" 

You could see the glee on Jack's face, like a child in a candy store. Jack like racing the police car and chasing perps. He had gotten very good at it, though he went through five police cars learning this ability.**

"Sh_t!" I shouted to Jack, "You know, it never surprises me that these clowns refused to stop, they never do. i have a theory that sirens and lights only encouraged these clowns to speed up!"

"Yeah," Jack shouted back at me, " I don't want to hear about your damn ideas or theories! Your theories are crazy and bizarre! I can't even believe you came up with that 'professional mourner' service."

"Hey, it's a great idea!"  I said defensively, "When the last time you went to a service and someone was crying over the deceased? Most of the time everyone is just standing around chewing the fat and laughing. They need to bring back mourning or hire professional mourners."

"You are a sick bastard " Jack replied.

As we chase the car, I noticed the reckless driver pointing and waving at us out the drivers side window attempting to get us to pull along side of him? Bad idea, since this was a good way to get rammed or shot. This idiot driver besides reckless must of thought us stupid. 

We radioed dispatch that the driver is failing to yield, asking permission to use the PIT* maneuver on his vehicle. But after spotting the reckless driver had a small child standing on the seat with him, we cancelled that request.  

"Shit Jack!," I said, "this as_hole has a kid in the car, and it looks like the kids not seat belted!"

"Let's follow him for a while," Jack said, "Radio ahead, let them know about the kid, maybe we can get another car to set out the spike strips."

About one mile later, while the reckless driver continued to pass on the right, weave in and out of traffic and honking his horn the spike strips were set up just south of the next intersection. 

Suddenly, before the strips, he makes an abrupt right turn on a side street and pulls into an animal clinic parking lot. When he bails out the drivers seat, he is carrying the kid in one arm and a GOOSE in the other!! 

We pull in behind him yelling commands over the PA system,

""STOP! Police! Freeze!" I ordered, "See Jack, he's ignoring us, why do we bother!" 

However, he continues running inside with a little girl fast intow. He makes it to the door and is met by the veterinarian as we are running up behind him still yelling,  

"STOP! Police!"

Still holding the goose, with his little girl at his pant leg HE yells back to us,

"NO! Wait, I'll be right with you!"

Seeing that he isn't really going anywhere, we follow him inside the animal clinic. We find out why this idiot is driving at such a risk to his kid. His excuse was the family dog had bitten the goose and it was having breathing problems. He felt it was going to die, because of the way it was breathing, so he felt he needed to get it to the animal hospital.

"Couldn't you have taken sixty seconds to momentarily stop for the police cars behind you?" I asked the perp, "Then you could of let us know what is going on and then proceed to the Vet." 

"Well, I guess you got me there!," he replied. 

Out of the kindness of our hearts he did not go to jail in front of his daughter. We ticketed him for driving speeds exceeding 90+mph for about 45 miles from a neighboring town just to get to the Vet., weaving in and out of traffic, passing on corners, hillsides and against oncoming traffic all the while carrying his unseat- -belted daughter and her goose. 

"I still want to arrest him for child endangerment." I said to Jack

"No," Jack said being senior officer, "I love animals, animal lovers, and he was trying to save the goose!" 

"Well I think we should arrest him for animal cruelty!" I said. " He must of scared the S*#t out of that goose!"

What?! Are you f%#*ing nuts?! We can't arrest him for animal cruelty and then not charge him for Child Endangerment!"

"Good grief Jack, you have a warp sense of fair play!" 

********

*The PIT maneuver is a method by which one car pursuing another can force the pursued vehicle to abruptly turn sideways to the direction of travel, causing the driver to lose control and stop. The backronym "PIT" has a number of different meanings, depending on the agency using it or school teaching it. The most common meanings are Precision Immobilization Technique, Pursuit Immobilization Technique, Pursuit Intervention Technique, Push It Tough, Parallel Immobilization Technique, and Precision Intervention Tactic. In each case, the meaning is clear, no matter how the acronym is explained.

** To this day he still holds the record for the most police cars he wrecked chasing perps.

**************